Or series of like 5 dreams. I kept hazily waking and falling back asleep which kind of chopped up the dream, but it was still about the same thing essentially.
Okay. So it started, as far as I can remember, with my mom and me going to a water park. We were in the changing rooms to change into our bathing suits, but they ended up being more like showers. When we went in, we actually went to a big playset. Like those older ones (and better ones) that were made of wood instead of plastic. The ones that almost seem like forts. It had the fabric triangle shaped roof, a slid on the top layer (there were three for four "floors" if you count the ground), rope ladders, and other obstacles. It was larger than any I've seen in real life, but not gigantic.
I think my mom was just hanging out on the top floor and I believe my sister ended up being there too. But Hikaru and Kaoru were there. Apparently I had known them for years. They had my full attention. For those of you who don't know, Hikaru and Kaoru are twins on a show called Host Club and I'm obsessed. Not really, but if they were real, I would do anything to date them. Hikaru especially.
In my dream, they were real.
I reached up to swing on trapeze bar and Hikaru dared me to do a trick. I used to be in gymnastics when I was younger, and the uneven bars were my thing, and now I'm in a circus and learning the trapeze, so I thought this would be no problem. He looked at me with teasing eyes, ready to make a comment about my form or something, when Kaoru called him over. Thank goodness too, because for whatever reason, I didn't have the strength to do anything but swing. Later, I was climbing up a rope and Kaoru pretty much dared the same thing, not knowing Hikaru had earlier. This time though, I was at the kind that also had the rings on either side of the bar. I grabbed the rings and flipped up over the bar with ease. Kaoru clapped and I beamed.
Some time passed. I think we were all just enjoying the play set. Running around, playing games, chatting or whatever. And yes, at 20 I still would love this stuff. Don't hate.
Next thing I clearly remember -or as clear as you can get with a dream- I knew Hikaru wanted to talk serious with me. I don't know if it was something I overheard or if he asked me to meet him or what. But I went up to the top floor and pretended to fall asleep in the middle. Kaoru was running around jabbering about this girl named Penny he had a crush on. But in the dream, I knew the girl. I thought she was plain and boring and not nearly good enough for Kaoru. Hikaru came up moments later and set up...props? I don't really know, but stuff around us so we were enclosed and alone. I do remember that it reminded me of a Japanese garden though.
He sat down and I remember I was nervous. Which is weird. In real life, I would think I would have been giddy or squealing like a fan girl. But I suppose if they were real, I wouldn't be acting like a fan girl, but like a person. Anyway, he started to move my head on to his lap and try to wake me. I moved like I was waking up and ended up actually waking up. I went back to sleep quickly so I'd remain in the dream. The thing that worried me though, I think I knew what he was going to say, and I don't think I wanted to hear it.
When I fell back asleep, I was at something like a summer camp, but more woodsy and only a couple, but bigger cabins or buildings. I was with my dad, a boy my age whose name I forget and I've apparently known for a long tim, Hikaru and Kaoru again, and a couple other people who in the dream I knew well. I know I spent a lot of time with Hikaru, Kaoru, and the other boy each alone and together with other people. I don't remember much of this part of the dream, but the main part of it is, at some point, Hikaru approached me and asked me something. The same thing he wanted to ask on the playset. He was so sweet and I could tell he was kind of nervous, but what he asked me confused me. He was asking me out, but there was something more to it that I couldn't really explain in the dream and I can't really remember now. I was scared/nervous, shook my head and ran off, terribly upset. I didn't understand why at first, but then I realized it was because I wanted to be with Kaoru. I must have spent time with him in the lapses in the dream I don't remember. In real life, this wouldn't make sense. Sure, I'd happily be with either of them, but Hikaru has always had a commanding lead in my eyes. So why did I turn Hikaru down for Kaoru? Even in the dream I realized it was odd in my head, but I could clearly tell in my heart that it was right. That sounds cheesy, I know. But it made sense. And now, being awake, I'm almost seeing Kaoru in a different light. Maybe it would make more sense for me to be with him. He is more fitting for me than Hikaru. Hell, David is a lot like Kaoru. But back to the dream.
I think I may have woken and fallen back asleep somewhere in here because there's kind of a break in what goes on, but I could just not remember.
It was awkward being around Hikaru and Kaoru after that. I feel like they both knew why I said no. But Kaoru liked Penny. Through throughout the dream, it kind of felt like that was diminishing little by little.
Some things happened and time passed that I don't remember, but a bunch of us, excluding the Hitachiin twins were on a large wooden bridge overlooking a shallow river in the woods. It was late and I was just staring at a man standing in the water and fishing as his boat moved farther and farther away from him down stream without him noticing. The people with me were talking and I turned my attention to them. I'm not sure what was said, but a man who reminded me of Mr. Prewitt (a friend from high school's dad) accused me of being pregnant with Hikaru's child. I got really upset. I think part of the reason is that in real life I have gained like ten pounds since I've been doing internship. I sit at a desk all day and physical activity has all but left my life. But lately I've been trying to eat better and work out some because I'm self conscious about it. So in the dream, him thinking I gained a couple pounds because I was pregnant hurt. I didn't think it was that bad. My dad tried to defend me but the Mr. Prewitt look alike kept on it. Finally I yelled that I turned him down and ran off to my room(?). I think that hurt the most. It became real that I said no to going out with Hikaru. Truth is, in the dream, I was still crazy about him. I was also crazy about the other boy whose name I can't remember. But I wanted Kaoru.
I think I woke up and fell back asleep again around this point. Next thing I remember, everyone was sitting around a giant campfire. People were talking and eating, enjoying themselves. I sat there quietly and tried to look carefree and happy, but it was clearly not working. Hikaru sat at my 10 o'clock, silent, staring at the ground. He wouldn't look at or speak to me. He didn't look angry though, but sad. Kaoru sat next to him on his right. He would smile and throw in a word from time to time in the conversation, but something was clearly on his mind. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he would look over at me periodically, but I couldn't read his face. Finally, I looked over at him and out eyes met. We locked gazes for what seemed like forever but was probably just a few seconds. His eyes were sad. I don't know if it was for his brother because I had hurt him, or because he knew that he was hurting me.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder just then that caused us to tear our eyes apart. The other boy. He had been sitting just a couple people to my right. He was standing behind me now and asked if I would come with him. I said yes, glad to be getting away from the circle. My dad seemed to notice us leave.
We went and sat behind a shed that blocked the light and some of the noise from the camp fire. The bridge was just in front of us, but it was abandoned at this time. We were silent for a moment. Then the boy asked me if I was alright. I told him yes, that it was just been a stressful trip for me. He had heard about the pregnant accusation (apparently everyone had) and understood. He smiled and put his arm around me. I welcomed the comforting arm and snuggled into his chest. It was much colder away from the fire. He then went on to tell me how much he cared about me and that he really wanted to be with me. I sat silently, unmoving for a time, thinking this over. I was so sick of the pain of hurting Hikaru and sick of the pain of not being wanted like that from Kaoru. I just wanted to be with somebody and be happy. Plus, I did like this boy a lot. But I had also like Hikaru a lot. Why was it that I turned him down so quickly but I was considering this boy? Then I realized it was because if I dated Hikaru, that would likely ruin my chances of ever being with Kaoru. I couldn't date him after dating his brother. But if I dated this boy, there would still be a chance with Kaoru later. Then again, things could have just worked out great with Hikaru or this boy and I'd never want to be with Kaoru. But that chance didn't cross my mind. Again, I liked Hikaru and this boy a lot. Enough to be with either of them. But I like Kaoru more. Only, he didn't want me.
"Okay," I said, looking at him with a weak smile. He beamed and pulled me in to a tight hug. He then kissed me. It was a deep, longing kiss, as if he had been waiting to do this for years. And it was nice. I kissed back. It felt right and it was comfortable.
When we pulled back, Hikaru and Kaoru were about to walk across the bridge. They had both seen us. I could tell what there expressions were because my eyes instantly started to tear up and a huge lump formed in my throat. They hurried on across the bridge and I wanted more than anything to tear out from the boy's grasp and run after them. But my dad came up smiling at us and handed me a notebook with some writing. I realized it was my notebook. On the page, I had written reasons why I wanted to be with Hikaru at the top, the boy in the middle, and Kaoru at the bottom all in their own boxes. At the very bottom of the page, my dad had written a line say how happy he was that I had chosen the boy. I looked up quickly but my dad had left, but the boy was staring at the notebook.
"What's written on here." he said. It was less of a question and more of a, "tell me what you see written on this page." Tears started flowing from my eyes and I could only talk in a whisper.
"Three names," I think I said. Or something like that. I was going to lose him too. He was going to see that I didn't just like him, that I didn't even like him the most. I was going to hurt him too, like I apparently do to everyone, I thought. I forced myself to look up at him. Tears streaked my face and I tried not to quiver.
"No," he said softly with a smile, "at the bottom." My eyes immediately went to Kaoru's name, but I realized he was talking about my dad's note. Had he not noticed the rest of the page? Or had he simply not cared. I mean, he was the one I said yes to after all.
Looking at what my dad wrote again, I realize why I liked the boy. He was comfortable for me. He was like every boy I had dated in the past. He was like Fort Mitchell (my bubble of a hometown). This was why my dad approved so wholeheartedly. My dad was also Fort Mitchell. While I love it and I'm fond of it, it's something I want to leave in my past. Leave it with my childhood memories, with my dad and sister. It's not for me. Not for my future.
I longed for the twins to come back. To tell Hikaru that I care about him so much and that I was so sorry I hurt him like I did and that I want so badly to see his devilish smile again. And I wanted to tell Kaoru exactly how I felt about him. That I wanted to be with him so badly. But after I'd tell him I understand he doesn't want me. And then I'd wish him luck with Penny and walk back to my room so I could cry to myself.
In that moment I sat in the boy's arms, rereading my dad's note, I thought all these things. I woke up then, my heart as full as can be, whether with sorrow or something else, and felling and if I was holding tightly on to someone. I realized I wasn't though, and didn't move in hopes of reentering the dream. But I didn't. I drifted off somewhere else that is lost to me.
I really should write a book based on my crazy dreams.
Now that I'm awake and have been up for a while, I feel like I have a new understanding of Kaoru that I never considered before. He and Hikaru are on the same level in my book right now. But I think I'll reread the Host Club books and decide where they should be.
That's all for today.
No comments:
Post a Comment