Intruders and Hosts

I actually had this first dream like two weeks ago when I first moved in to my Aunt and Uncle's place. I woke up and was planning on going swimming right away in the pool. When I went out of my bedroom, there were people all over cleaning the house. I wasn't too surprised. I figured they might have cleaning people. I just didn't know they'd be there then. I was just going to leave them to their work and go to the pool, but people were coming in through the door. They went to the bedrooms and bathrooms and changed in to swimsuits and started swimming. I didn't know who any of these people were and they seemed like just random people who possibly thought the house was still empty. I told them to leave but they didn't listen. I tried to yell at them but it didn't come out as much more than a whisper. I was scared and angry. I woke up soon after a bit freaked out, but happy to see that the house and pool were empty.


-- O --


Last night I had a lovely dream. I was with the host club again (I must be obsessed) but this time I was in it. Haruhi didn't have to dress like a boy here, but I did. But in the dream, I was able to dress normal. Haruhi, in her girls uniform, still got the attention she did in the series, but when I started coming, I got it too. It was like they gave it to us equally. Now me joining wasn't in the dream. It was if I had been there for a while. But somehow I knew this.
Now in the dream (the events that actually happened and not what I could infer), Haruhi and I were playing a game (a board game maybe?) alone on the floor and talking. She and I were really close and the boy situation didn't get between us. We kind of just let them do as they pleased and go on trying to get both of our attention. But right now we were alone as kind of our last time hanging out for a while because I was going back home (which was apparently very far away) to go to school for a year there living with a family member. My mom was making me, but I couldn't tell if I had agreed to this much earlier and now regretted it or if she was forcing me from the start.
Now Tamaki was suddenly there. He was trying to help me pack. Being the super kind and supportive guy he is, he looked at this as a great opportunity for me, though he was also clearly upset. I cared about Tamaki and loved being his friend, but I kind of wished he'd just pay attention to Haruhi instead of us both. In the loving manner I mean. But anyway, I had pretty much packed everything. He was mostly just moving around the boxes and looking busy I think. Haruhi and I continued playing and didn't give him much notice. Finally, I got up and went to talk to him while he was getting things from the other room. I told him he really didn't have to do this, that it was all under control already. I gave him a smile and he gave me a sad one back. He gave me a really big hug then and I welcomed it. I would miss him. I'd miss everyone.
When I went back to the other room, Hikaru was there with Haruhi. He was sitting where I had been previously and was watching the door as I came in. He smiled and I perked up a little. I ran over and slid on to the ground next to him, crashing in to him a little. We all laughed and Tamaki walked in, still looking sad. He smiled at our laughter, then went to join the rest of the boy who were doing something or another in another room.
I was thrilled to be with Hikaru. Unlike me dream last month where I was all about Kaoru, I was back to adoring Hikaru. Probably because I reread the series. Anyway I was indeed thrilled. He was the one I wanted, and it was becoming increasingly more clear lately (pre dream) the he was wanting me more too. And Haruhi was of course fine with it. That's how she is. Plus, I knew how it would turn out with Tamaki soon enough. :) Probably while I was away.
But my heart raced being next to him. I felt so comfortable, like this is where I belong. Every time he touched me, looked at me, even when he smiled or laughed, it was like a shock going through me. In the past I had always acted very indifferent, as if he was just acting as a friend. He liked both Haruhi and me and I didn't want to get hurt if he chose her, which I would then totally support because I love them both and want them to be happy. But now, I could tell he was focusing on me. The way he acted...he acted like a friend toward Haruhi and acted like he couldn't get enough of me. Finally, I was able to act that way back. Although nothing was said of course. It could have just been because I was leaving for a long time. But it apparently had been a gradual thing.
My mom came in then and told me that I'd be living with my Aunt Linda and family when I got back home. I asked again if I couldn't just stay here, but she turned me down and walked out. The mood got a little sad then so I walked in to the other room for a bit with the excuse of checking to make sure I had everything together, but actually just to think and be alone for a minute. Shortly after I walked in, Hikaru joined me. He came up without a word and hugged me. He held me for a long time before letting go. He said some things I can't remember, then he leaned in and kissed me. And of course, I kissed back.
After this there is kind of a lapse in my memory, which isn't too surprising. I know we didn't stay in there long. I was back with Haruhi for a bit, something happened where Mori and Hunny had to get involved, I was with Tamaki for a bit again, and I was with Kaoru in the room with my packed things for a bit. This I remember parts of. He had either seen or heard that Hikaru and I...not kissed necessarily, but that we knew each of us like one another. We had each made our choice. Kaoru was upset when I was with him, but he was trying to keep a strong face.
Finally I was back playing with Haruhi. Hikaru was sitting next to me and I think Kaoru and Tamaki were there too. But this is when I woke up. I'd like to think they all went with me like at the end of the Host Club Series when they followed Haruhi to Boston. But who knows. :)

Host Club Dilemma

Yay! Another post worthy dream!

Or series of like 5 dreams. I kept hazily waking and falling back asleep which kind of chopped up the dream, but it was still about the same thing essentially.

Okay. So it started, as far as I can remember, with my mom and me going to a water park. We were in the changing rooms to change into our bathing suits, but they ended up being more like showers. When we went in, we actually went to a big playset. Like those older ones (and better ones) that were made of wood instead of plastic. The ones that almost seem like forts. It had the fabric triangle shaped roof, a slid on the top layer (there were three for four "floors" if you count the ground), rope ladders, and other obstacles. It was larger than any I've seen in real life, but not gigantic.

I think my mom was just hanging out on the top floor and I believe my sister ended up being there too. But Hikaru and Kaoru were there. Apparently I had known them for years. They had my full attention. For those of you who don't know, Hikaru and Kaoru are twins on a show called Host Club and I'm obsessed. Not really, but if they were real, I would do anything to date them. Hikaru especially.

In my dream, they were real.

I reached up to swing on trapeze bar and Hikaru dared me to do a trick. I used to be in gymnastics when I was younger, and the uneven bars were my thing, and now I'm in a circus and learning the trapeze, so I thought this would be no problem. He looked at me with teasing eyes, ready to make a comment about my form or something, when Kaoru called him over. Thank goodness too, because for whatever reason, I didn't have the strength to do anything but swing. Later, I was climbing up a rope and Kaoru pretty much dared the same thing, not knowing Hikaru had earlier. This time though, I was at the kind that also had the rings on either side of the bar. I grabbed the rings and flipped up over the bar with ease. Kaoru clapped and I beamed.

Some time passed. I think we were all just enjoying the play set. Running around, playing games, chatting or whatever. And yes, at 20 I still would love this stuff. Don't hate.

Next thing I clearly remember -or as clear as you can get with a dream- I knew Hikaru wanted to talk serious with me. I don't know if it was something I overheard or if he asked me to meet him or what. But I went up to the top floor and pretended to fall asleep in the middle. Kaoru was running around jabbering about this girl named Penny he had a crush on. But in the dream, I knew the girl. I thought she was plain and boring and not nearly good enough for Kaoru. Hikaru came up moments later and set up...props? I don't really know, but stuff around us so we were enclosed and alone. I do remember that it reminded me of a Japanese garden though.

He sat down and I remember I was nervous. Which is weird. In real life, I would think I would have been giddy or squealing like a fan girl. But I suppose if they were real, I wouldn't be acting like a fan girl, but like a person. Anyway, he started to move my head on to his lap and try to wake me. I moved like I was waking up and ended up actually waking up. I went back to sleep quickly so I'd remain in the dream. The thing that worried me though, I think I knew what he was going to say, and I don't think I wanted to hear it.

When I fell back asleep, I was at something like a summer camp, but more woodsy and only a couple, but bigger cabins or buildings. I was with my dad, a boy my age whose name I forget and I've apparently known for a long tim, Hikaru and Kaoru again, and a couple other people who in the dream I knew well. I know I spent a lot of time with Hikaru, Kaoru, and the other boy each alone and together with other people. I don't remember much of this part of the dream, but the main part of it is, at some point, Hikaru approached me and asked me something. The same thing he wanted to ask on the playset. He was so sweet and I could tell he was kind of nervous, but what he asked me confused me. He was asking me out, but there was something more to it that I couldn't really explain in the dream and I can't really remember now. I was scared/nervous, shook my head and ran off, terribly upset. I didn't understand why at first, but then I realized it was because I wanted to be with Kaoru. I must have spent time with him in the lapses in the dream I don't remember. In real life, this wouldn't make sense. Sure, I'd happily be with either of them, but Hikaru has always had a commanding lead in my eyes. So why did I turn Hikaru down for Kaoru? Even in the dream I realized it was odd in my head, but I could clearly tell in my heart that it was right. That sounds cheesy, I know. But it made sense. And now, being awake, I'm almost seeing Kaoru in a different light. Maybe it would make more sense for me to be with him. He is more fitting for me than Hikaru. Hell, David is a lot like Kaoru. But back to the dream.

I think I may have woken and fallen back asleep somewhere in here because there's kind of a break in what goes on, but I could just not remember.

It was awkward being around Hikaru and Kaoru after that. I feel like they both knew why I said no. But Kaoru liked Penny. Through throughout the dream, it kind of felt like that was diminishing little by little.

Some things happened and time passed that I don't remember, but a bunch of us, excluding the Hitachiin twins were on a large wooden bridge overlooking a shallow river in the woods. It was late and I was just staring at a man standing in the water and fishing as his boat moved farther and farther away from him down stream without him noticing. The people with me were talking and I turned my attention to them. I'm not sure what was said, but a man who reminded me of Mr. Prewitt (a friend from high school's dad) accused me of being pregnant with Hikaru's child. I got really upset. I think part of the reason is that in real life I have gained like ten pounds since I've been doing internship. I sit at a desk all day and physical activity has all but left my life. But lately I've been trying to eat better and work out some because I'm self conscious about it. So in the dream, him thinking I gained a couple pounds because I was pregnant hurt. I didn't think it was that bad. My dad tried to defend me but the Mr. Prewitt look alike kept on it. Finally I yelled that I turned him down and ran off to my room(?). I think that hurt the most. It became real that I said no to going out with Hikaru. Truth is, in the dream, I was still crazy about him. I was also crazy about the other boy whose name I can't remember. But I wanted Kaoru.

I think I woke up and fell back asleep again around this point. Next thing I remember, everyone was sitting around a giant campfire. People were talking and eating, enjoying themselves. I sat there quietly and tried to look carefree and happy, but it was clearly not working. Hikaru sat at my 10 o'clock, silent, staring at the ground. He wouldn't look at or speak to me. He didn't look angry though, but sad. Kaoru sat next to him on his right. He would smile and throw in a word from time to time in the conversation, but something was clearly on his mind. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he would look over at me periodically, but I couldn't read his face. Finally, I looked over at him and out eyes met. We locked gazes for what seemed like forever but was probably just a few seconds. His eyes were sad. I don't know if it was for his brother because I had hurt him, or because he knew that he was hurting me.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder just then that caused us to tear our eyes apart. The other boy. He had been sitting just a couple people to my right. He was standing behind me now and asked if I would come with him. I said yes, glad to be getting away from the circle. My dad seemed to notice us leave.

We went and sat behind a shed that blocked the light and some of the noise from the camp fire. The bridge was just in front of us, but it was abandoned at this time. We were silent for a moment. Then the boy asked me if I was alright. I told him yes, that it was just been a stressful trip for me. He had heard about the pregnant accusation (apparently everyone had) and understood. He smiled and put his arm around me. I welcomed the comforting arm and snuggled into his chest. It was much colder away from the fire. He then went on to tell me how much he cared about me and that he really wanted to be with me. I sat silently, unmoving for a time, thinking this over. I was so sick of the pain of hurting Hikaru and sick of the pain of not being wanted like that from Kaoru. I just wanted to be with somebody and be happy. Plus, I did like this boy a lot. But I had also like Hikaru a lot. Why was it that I turned him down so quickly but I was considering this boy? Then I realized it was because if I dated Hikaru, that would likely ruin my chances of ever being with Kaoru. I couldn't date him after dating his brother. But if I dated this boy, there would still be a chance with Kaoru later. Then again, things could have just worked out great with Hikaru or this boy and I'd never want to be with Kaoru. But that chance didn't cross my mind. Again, I liked Hikaru and this boy a lot. Enough to be with either of them. But I like Kaoru more. Only, he didn't want me.

"Okay," I said, looking at him with a weak smile. He beamed and pulled me in to a tight hug. He then kissed me. It was a deep, longing kiss, as if he had been waiting to do this for years. And it was nice. I kissed back. It felt right and it was comfortable.

When we pulled back, Hikaru and Kaoru were about to walk across the bridge. They had both seen us. I could tell what there expressions were because my eyes instantly started to tear up and a huge lump formed in my throat. They hurried on across the bridge and I wanted more than anything to tear out from the boy's grasp and run after them. But my dad came up smiling at us and handed me a notebook with some writing. I realized it was my notebook. On the page, I had written reasons why I wanted to be with Hikaru at the top, the boy in the middle, and Kaoru at the bottom all in their own boxes. At the very bottom of the page, my dad had written a line say how happy he was that I had chosen the boy. I looked up quickly but my dad had left, but the boy was staring at the notebook.

"What's written on here." he said. It was less of a question and more of a, "tell me what you see written on this page." Tears started flowing from my eyes and I could only talk in a whisper.

"Three names," I think I said. Or something like that. I was going to lose him too. He was going to see that I didn't just like him, that I didn't even like him the most. I was going to hurt him too, like I apparently do to everyone, I thought. I forced myself to look up at him. Tears streaked my face and I tried not to quiver.

"No," he said softly with a smile, "at the bottom." My eyes immediately went to Kaoru's name, but I realized he was talking about my dad's note. Had he not noticed the rest of the page? Or had he simply not cared. I mean, he was the one I said yes to after all.

Looking at what my dad wrote again, I realize why I liked the boy. He was comfortable for me. He was like every boy I had dated in the past. He was like Fort Mitchell (my bubble of a hometown). This was why my dad approved so wholeheartedly. My dad was also Fort Mitchell. While I love it and I'm fond of it, it's something I want to leave in my past. Leave it with my childhood memories, with my dad and sister. It's not for me. Not for my future.

I longed for the twins to come back. To tell Hikaru that I care about him so much and that I was so sorry I hurt him like I did and that I want so badly to see his devilish smile again. And I wanted to tell Kaoru exactly how I felt about him. That I wanted to be with him so badly. But after I'd tell him I understand he doesn't want me. And then I'd wish him luck with Penny and walk back to my room so I could cry to myself.

In that moment I sat in the boy's arms, rereading my dad's note, I thought all these things. I woke up then, my heart as full as can be, whether with sorrow or something else, and felling and if I was holding tightly on to someone. I realized I wasn't though, and didn't move in hopes of reentering the dream. But I didn't. I drifted off somewhere else that is lost to me.

I really should write a book based on my crazy dreams.

Now that I'm awake and have been up for a while, I feel like I have a new understanding of Kaoru that I never considered before. He and Hikaru are on the same level in my book right now. But I think I'll reread the Host Club books and decide where they should be.

That's all for today.

Proposal

Not last night, but the night before, David (the bf) asked me to marry him in my dream. A lot more happened but I don't remember enough to write about it.

I said yes, of course. We weren't getting married right away, but it was amazing just to be engaged. I brought up my dream to him last night. I started off by saying, "so you asked me to marry you last night." "Who did what now?" was his response. I explained it was a dream and all that. He said he's not entirely opposed to the idea and kind of dropped it. In a not ready kind of way. Which I expected. I told him in the dream we still weren't getting married for a couple years, to which he talked about how a girl from his grade school is married and it's weird to see her posts online and how it's surreal. I told him I know four people our age married and one younger engaged. He said damn and changed the subject.

-Don't get me wrong, I went to a bubble of a school. No drugs, no fights, no diversity really. Getting married so young would have been a laughing matter in high school. It's way out of the ordinary and flat out shocking so many are married now.-

It kind of hurt that he wouldn't talk about it at all. We've talked about our potential future together many times, but I think this made it a little more real for him and freaked him out. I have no doubt we will marry though. We're always being told we're perfect together and it's true. We never fight. We may have disagreements, but we work through them without issues. And we're always happy together. We have no secrets from one another and we do/like so many of the same things. But we also like enough different things that it's never boring and we get our own time. We've practically been living together since we started dating over a year and a half ago. He was living in the dorms and I was living at home so I'd stay at his place at the very least twice a week and since we now have our own places, it's rare that we're not at one of our houses with the other. And we stay at each others' places to be together. Not to have sex. Though it happens, but not all the time. We didn't even have sex until ten months in. Waaaaay better than some of our friends who only wait two months, a couple weeks, or even have one night stands. Sex is something really special to us and we wanted to wait until we were sure this was a good thing. Turns out it was amazing. :)

He is kind of introverted though. And I have way more life experience than he does. And he can sometimes be very narrow minded and stubborn about it. But those are hardly and issue. Those little things I can deal with, no problem.

People have said he's not good enough for me. If you know me, you'll learn I'm outgoing, always happy, and attractive (something that feels very weird to admit. It took me a very, very long time to believe it, but I'm starting to see it. When I try.). I work for a circus and love chatting with strangers and making kids laugh, I'm a sales model for a men's bow and neck tie company where I have to look pretty and mingle with wealthy people, and I recently got picked up by a modeling agency and an art studio (to be a drawing or sculpture model). Neither of which I've really responded to....I need to get on that.... But I'm a fashion design major so I also dress well, wear heels every day, take good care of myself, and all that.

David is cute. He's not "hot," but he is attractive in a goofy boy kind of way, which is perfect. I don't really see many people as hot and I think I wouldn't be very comfortable being with that anyway. He's not outgoing, but if you know him well, he is silly and so funny and clever. I have a lot of problems from my past relationships and various problems I've had to deal with, specifically in high school, so I'm very broken. Not that I'll let that show. I went through a severe depression two years ago and only two people knew out of all the people and friends I was around every day. But getting off topic. He still accepts me and tries to fix me. He listens to me when I have a problem, holds me when I cry, and tries to do anything he can to help. He cares about me more than anyone in the world and he's already so close to perfect, if he got any better he would be. Which would suck. No one wants to be with someone perfect. Ew. He's the perfect amount of perfect. I'm usually thinking I'm not good enough for him. And I think if people saw us 24/7, how we really are behind closed doors and all that, I think they'd find that to be true. So maybe to the public I'm too good for him, but that's a load of bologna. ;)

I'd love to be engaged to him right now. I'd love to take that next step, even if we wait to marry until we're out of school. That sounds amazing to me. The perfect plan. But if he's not ready, not much I can do about it.

My Hero

Okay, so the title is already cheesy. Good start to a new blog.

Anyway people, welcome to my newest blog. It's really more like a diary, but I'm not really worried about keeping it private. No one I know will read this so whatever.

I'm going to write here about dreams I have and want to remember. I tend to have pretty vivid dreams and usually forget them after like a day, so this is a way to remember. I'll likely also look for meaning in my dreams. Not that it really means anything at all, but just as a speculation. I don't really take heed in my totally made up on the spot psychology, but reflecting never hurts. Usually.

So last night's dream. Of course, it's been eleven hours, but I'll do my best.

I was in a place with either older people (like a couple years) or more experienced people or something (or maybe both), because I was kind of clueless or new and I was looking to them for advice. What I was doing, I have no idea. But the "head guy," or who I assumed was the head guy, approached me and asked me what I was doing. Not in a kind, "I can help you" kind of way, but in a "what the hell are you doing?" kind of way. I wasn't offended by it though, because I had no idea what I was doing and was just standing there looking around. Whatever was going on, it seems busy. Everyone was running around and doing stuff. So he wasn't too out of place to ask me. A little rude, maybe, but right.

He was a tall (much taller than me), thin guy with dark brown hair. Throughout the dream, he seemed almost arrogant and almost uncaring. In more of a detached way than an asshole way though. Almost like Hikaru from Host Club. But not a prankster like him.

So now there's a big empty part in the dream I don't remember, but I know he helped me with something because I started thinking he isn't such a bad guy. Then I was in a situation where this random middle aged man and a woman (his mother?) were trying to...hurt me, prostitute me, kill me...something along those lines, if not all of them. I know at one point, the man was trying to sleep with me and for whatever reason, I couldn't just tell him no or go tell someone. I went to the boy from the beginning for advice and he (calmly, mind you. It was as if this was normal...) suggested I tell him I can only do it if --insert ridiculous situation here--. I don't remember exactly what it was. Like if the room was filled with bubbles, or something crazy like that. Whatever he suggested or I ended up going with, it bought me some time. The man thought it was weird. --and rightfully so.

So the next thing I remember, the guy (from the beginning again) is desperately trying to hide me. We're running around this house (or building of some sort. It almost seemed like a fraternity) and he's looking for a good place. We're completely panicked because the middle aged man is after me. I finally get put into a small room (storage closet?) and the guy locks me in and runs off to intercept or drive the man away from me. I was absolutely terrified for both myself and the guy. Suddenly, something is stabbed through the door I'm leaning against. It was like a metal shard or something. It's the middle aged man. I move (obviously) and he continues to tear away and through the door. I'm shaking in fear and tears are streaming down my face but I couldn't utter a sound. I could see his crazy mad face through where he had partially destroyed the door to try to get in. He was clearly trying to kill me. What I did to piss him off so much? I'll never know.

The man stops for whatever reason and something happens outside the door to the side where I couldn't see. Then the door opens and the guy kneels down toward me. I literally spring up and hug him (this is the good one, of course) as tightly as I can. He was also clutching on to me tightly and was shaking, I noticed. He said something along the lines of, "it's okay," or "you're safe," or something. Clearly though, he had been worried about me and cared about me. Total 360 from the beginning, and I wish I remembered more of the middle. It was very movie-esque.

Now, when we were embracing, it was like we fit together perfectly. I felt safe -which makes sense with the surrounding situation- and very comfortable. Neither of us wanted to let go and I don't remember if we did before I woke up. Now, I know it wasn't a romantic-type embrace, but I felt something very strongly with him and I don't know if it was like I wanted to be with him or if it was a best friend/brother type thing. Obviously I didn't love him. It was maybe the span of a couple days in my dream, and let's be real (Ha! Pun.). But I definitely didn't want to be without him.

Oh, so to clarify, I'm 20, he was early 20's ish, and like half of my friend's a boys. I'm not one of those skanks who get with them though. I mean actual friends. So the idea of him being like a best friend would not be out of the norm. And I have a boyfriend.

Anyway, so that's the dream. I've been thinking about it all day (which says a lot since we had a Halloween party at work today). Normally, I think over my dreams, but this was way more than normal. So now for the fake psychology time.

I'm very independent. I don't go to others for help and I rarely except help. So maybe this is my subconscious telling me I need someone to be there for me. Someone I can go to with anything. I don't really have a best friend other than my boyfriend. I just have a lot of really close friends. And my boyfriend, while he's the most amazing person I could ever dream to be with (Ha! There I go again.), he's not very strong, you might say. He's not great with real emotional situations and he tends to come to me with life advice and help. And physically he's not exactly strong, but I'm not in to buff guys. But sometimes I feel like I just need someone I can fall into. Someone I could go to and ask for advise and help.

Also, I've been off on an internship alone for two months now, away from all my family and friends. So clearly physical contact like a hug is seriously missed. Maybe that's one reason I didn't want to let go.

Either way, I wish I could go back to that dream and spend more time with him.

But now I'm hungry. So until next time!